Good, bad, in-between, or beyond

I’m not as good as I think I am, and I’m not as bad as I think either. So, I must be averaging out somewhere between the two, isn’t it? Or is it that I’m better than the good that I think I am, and worse than the bad? If that’s the case then where do I figure, there isn’t any comprehendible range? There aren’t any extreme values to come at an average. Is that a bad thing, not being sure of how good or bad oneself is? It must be. But one can never be certain of these things though, I believe. It’s absolutely subjective and depends heavily on how sanely, intelligently the questioning mind works.
One decides how good or bad one is by evaluation; evaluation can be carried out only when there is some data. Data, in such a case would be learning and understanding that come with time and experiences. Hmmm… interesting. So, instead of figuring out an average–a sense of where one lies–through extreme values, one should shift focus to the available data set.
What I mean is, if there is an imaginary scale to measure how good or bad one is, one should recollect the sort of and number of experiences one has had, think the sort of experiences one desires to have. Then, analyse the information collected to gain an understanding of the situations or experiences–how one felt, what one did or didn’t do, why, how one fared,…? One must try and develop a fair and unbiased view. Make a note of these learnings and understandings. Assimilate the information. Observe and understand what responses you receive from self. I’m not sure if this will still help one figure out where one lies on this self-created scale. I’m not able to break it down to objective results. It must be because of my own limited understanding, or perhaps it just cannot be done. But, I think, such contemplation would certainly provide a perspective. It would certainly establish, to an extent, how one feels about oneself. It might perhaps shed clarity on what one stands for, and how one has been able to continue to stick to it, or how much one has deviated from it. So, not a place on a vertical scale, but if one has stayed true to one’s direction or not.
Please note, it isn’t easy and I’m not even sure if I’ve been able to convey and communicate correctly. I don’t think I have. Will perhaps keep thinking and improving it over time.
What started out as an attempt to figure out where one lies on a vertical scale lead to another scale, a horizontal one. One that maps direction instead of an absolute point. So, essentially there isn’t any in-between or beyond. No range as such. There’s a direction which one chooses for one’s own reasons, and its course over time.


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